Sad but hopeful

The last couple of weeks have left me feeling somber. We've had a string of sad and stressful news in our family including an untimely, tragic death and a number of hospitalizations. I have been praying and processing all of the events as well as putting in a lot of hard work trying to get ready for the baby on the job and at home, so I haven't had much energy for a pregnancy update.
Amidst all of these things, I have stumbled across a great deal of strength and hope. There are only three weeks till my due date, and it's all feeling a bit surreal. Every night when I wake up at three in the morning and stare across my dim bedroom at all of the miniature onesies, diapers and the empty crib- I just can't wrap my mind around the unknown future ahead that will begin at an unknown time and change an unknown multitude of things. When people ask me how I am feeling... I don't know that either.  I'm not feeling that good I guess if you consider the cramping, the grieving, the sharp belly pains, the fingers that look like a package of hot dogs, not having anything to wear, my feet bursting out of my shoes, sleep deprivation, and general discomfort. On the other hand, I'm feeling pretty good if you consider the how blessed I am to have a supportive, loving husband and family, a precious baby on the way, three wonderful baby showers, great health care providers, everything we need and more. So there's that.

Grant has been bringing home stacks of videos and books from the library -mostly related to childbirth. One particular video he brought home was about giving birth in the ocean. I think I'll pass on that method- too many potential dangers... like I don't know- sharks, drowning, salt in an open wound. :)

I'm getting excited for the actual process of birth. I'm aiming for a natural, unmedicated birth, although I respect the unknown nature of birth too. I've been reading a lot about it and learning a lot from our childbirth education classes, our midwife and our doula- and I am becoming more and more convinced that it's what I want. I'm pretty excited to go the edge of myself and see what happens.

Just for clarification purposes (because I realize people don't know...and I get a lot of questions) a midwife is not a doula and I am not planning on giving birth in a barn or a hippie commune. Although, Jesus was born in a barn... so I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it.