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On being gracious (to yourself)

I have answered the same 8 questions about postnatal depression at least a dozen times. They have to give out the questionnaire every time they see you or your newborn for liability reasons. One of the items on the inventory keeps popping into my mind this week. “Things have been getting on top of me” to which I agree by checking the box that says, “Yes sometimes I haven’t been coping as well as usual.” Ya think? I’m not actually sure how one would go about not letting things get on top of them with a new baby.

Today I checked on Adelaide after an unusually long nap to find that she had removed her diaper and left a couple piles and a puddle on the carpet. This was the 3^rd ‘potty on the floor’ incident of the week. She is sensitive to disapproval and cried when I seemed less than thrilled. The sound of her crying scared Louis and he joined in. Tylenol, caffeine and water were no match for the ensuing headache…which is still going strong. And yes, maybe I hid in the basement for a few minutes when Grant finally got home from work. And yes, sometimes I haven’t been coping as well as usual.

Yesterday, I glanced at myself in the mirror and noticed a dark purple circular mark on my chin. I dabbed at it with a wash cloth to no avail. Then I recalled that earlier in the day I was zoning out while nursing Louis and fiddling with his Soothie pacifier absentmindedly. To my sleepy amusement I discovered that I could make it stick to my face if I squeezed it just right by creating a suction cup effect. Now I have a pacifier shaped hickey on my face that has barely faded after a day and a half. Fortunately I haven’t really been out of the house since the pacifier incident and come to think of it I haven’t had much of a chance to shower, pick up the clothes on the bedroom floor or the do the dishes for that matter. I’ve tried to take some time to write but when I looked back at what I tapped out with my single free hand it was all disjointed and confusing.  I guess I can safely say ‘things have been getting on top of me’

Pregnancy took a toll on my body and my weight is not where I’d like it. I was doing so well on a strict Slow Carb diet for the past month and losing a lot of weight. Until last week when I made a few exceptions for my birthday, then for my anniversary, then for the fun of it, then because it’s so delicious, then because I’m too tired to care. Speaking of which, I could really go for a chocolate pastry… I guess I haven’t been coping as well as usual.

Fortunately I know that Depression is a liar. Depression wants everyone to think they are the only one drowning but I know the truth- that everyone has been there…there as in here, here as in a pacifier hickey on your face and a chocolate pastry on your mind (or whatever the case may be for you). I'm working on being gracious to myself, and to you... because let's face it, all of us could probably be coping a little better than we are.

A Change of Heart

     My dad’s heart condition is complicated, to say the least. Between serious rhythm problems that don’t respond well to treatment, Marfan Syndrome, and a complex array of powerful medications, most cardiologists don’t want to touch him with a 10 foot pole. His lack of response to treatments has stumped even the world’s foremost heart experts. He had a powerful experience this month which he said made him feel like a new person.

     If you know my dad, you know that he is quite understated. When he describes feeling “uncomfortable” you can be assured that he likely describing the worst discomfort imaginable. When he says that the previous ablation procedures did not have optimal results, he’s leaving out the part about all 6 ½ feet of him toppling to the dining room floor when his heart spontaneously stopped, just months after the “not-so-successful” procedure (this incident was several years ago, no need to send a card). It was this very procedure, that he was scheduled to have for the 4^th time this month. It was this very procedure that made all of the difference. At my church, during lent, we are encouraged to ask God for something BIG. I decided to ask for my dad’s heart rhythm problems to resolve, but I didn’t really expect any of this to happen.

 

Here’s his story (written by my Dad, shared with permission, edited by me (to make it shorter for this blog):

Background info: For the past 30 years I have struggled with episodes of atrial fibrillation (irregular heart rate). Since my 20’s I have had hundreds of episodes of a-fib.  Atrial fibrillation is a fairly common problem and many people are not even aware that their hearts are out of rhythm. I have more severe version of the disorder and always know the moment my heart goes out of rhythm and the moment it goes back into a normal beat, called sinus rhythm. The treatments for a-fib include medication, electrocardioversion, and cardiac ablations. I have experienced all of these treatments.

           I have tried many drugs to control my rhythm. I have had over 50 electrocardioversions (electrical shock to the heart to cause it to convert to a normal rhythm). The most complex treatment is called a cardiac ablation. Ablations involve freezing or burning heart tissue in order to repair the electrical “wiring” of the heart. This typically is a 6-10 hour procedure. I had this done in 1998, 2003, 2006, and 2013. My story centers on the ablation I had done in March of 2013.  The various treatments provided some relief. I would sometime go for weeks or months in normal rhythm, but eventually my old nemesis would return with a vengeance and I would feel worse than ever.  One of the medications worked very well for me. It is called Amiodarone and it is the heavy artillery in the arsenal of heart medications. Amiodarone is usually used as a last resort because it brings with it some potential serious side effects including thyroid, lung, kidney, and liver damage.  I took it for several years (2009-2012) and it was very effective at preventing afib. The downside was that I began developing tremors in my hands, and thyroid problems.

Last August a cardiologist at the Mayo Clinic advised me to discontinue Amiodarone. He said I was too young to be on such a powerful medication. Because it had worked so well, I reluctantly agreed to discontinue the drug.  I resigned myself to the probability that my a-fib woes would soon return. Sure enough, my irregular rhythm returned on the Saturday after Thanksgiving.

Through the years my local cardiologist has become a trusted friend. He would usually tell me not to worry because we had some treatment options. On this visit he looked over my charts with a somber expression. He looked at me and said, “We don’t have many options.”   I grabbed at the glimmer of hope and asked him what the options were. He replied, “We don’t have any options left. Mayo took you off the only drug that ever worked and they will need to come up with a plan. I will continue to see you as a patient if and when the Mayo clinic can come up with a treatment that keeps you in rhythm for several months.” My heart sank.

            The first plan of action was a different rhythm drug called “Tikoysyn.” As much as I hate missing another break (went to Rochester over Thanksgiving), I hate missing school more, so I scheduled a 3 day hospital stay during Christmas break. I felt some hope that the plan would work. I looked forward to getting relief from the incessant pounding of my heart that had been going on for so long. Each school day had become a struggle. I was becoming a cranky old teacher and colleague and husband and dad. That is not my nature and I did not like it at all.

            After 3 days in the hospital with this new medication, my heart was still bouncing around. They tried to shock it back into rhythm three times, but to no avail. The specialists came into my room and told me that Tikosyn was not going to work for me. Then the cardiologist in charge looked at me and asked, “What do you want to do now?"  Many thoughts flashed through my mind.  I wanted to have my Christmas break back, I wanted to quit, I wanted to be healed, I wanted to retire, I wanted to go home and sit in my basement. I wanted another plan.  I asked him what he would do if he were me. He suggested we try another ablation procedure. Remember that I had already had 3 of them without much success. 

          I visited with my primary care physician who I have been seeing for 25 years. He never seemed too enthused about my cardiac ablations and I thought that he might just tell me to forget about it.  I had decided that I would do whatever he suggested. If it meant just living with the rhythm problem, then so be it. Surprisingly, he told me to go for it.

          My local cardiologist also thought that I should try another ablation. He added that he doubted it would work, but felt it was the next logical step. I went ahead and scheduled the appointment for the Wednesday of Spring Break (of course – I didn’t want to miss school).  So I plodded through January, February, and the first weeks of March with the old ticker galloping away.  I know that my family has faithfully prayed for my recovery over the years, but after all of these years my hopes weren’t high.

Spring Break 2013: As the appointment date drew near, I was having some serious doubts about going through with another ablation.  The trip to Rochester on Tuesday morning was terrible.  The highway was covered with several inches of solid ice.  A strong NW wind was causing blowing and drifting across the road. I seriously thought about turning around, but I didn’t want to go back over what we had already been through.  I kept hoping we would “drive out of it” but that was not the case.  It was one of the worst drives I have ever made --- and I have driven on some bad roads over the years. So about that time my stress level and heart rate were both off the charts.  We were listening to Christian radio while we drove and heard a verse that really struck me. Exodus 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.” I didn’t know the context until later, but Moses said that to the Israelites as they stood by the Red Sea with the Egyptian army bearing down on them.  I more needed the Lord to drive, but anyway, we pushed on and eventually reached the Mayo Clinic.

          After a battery of tests, I met with a doctor for a consultation about the procedure. During the consultation the doctor explained everything that can possibly go wrong during the procedure and then gave me a consent form to sign. The list of possible complications is long and I was getting more and more wary of going through with it, especially since I was quite certain it would be unsuccessful. I’m not sure why, but I did sign the consent form. After surviving the car ride, I figured this wouldn’t be a big deal.

      The next day, my alarm went off at 4:30 AM and we went to the hospital. I had been off the medication that keeps my heart slowed to a reasonable rate for a couple of days. As a result my rate had been racing at 160-170 beats per minute for the past day and I was feeling desperate for some relief. The surgery preparation involves a lot of questions, poking, shaving, questions, and more poking. I was eventually carted off to a holding area where I was to wait to be wheeled to the OR

       As I was lying waiting and waiting for my surgery to begin mind began wandering. I thought about how this was a total waste of time and money. I thought about my family and friends that had been praying for me over the years. I thought about my mother and how many times she had been at the hospital or at home waiting for news about my surgeries. Of course, I thought about my wife and how she has always been there for me. Then I thought about myself and how I had not been able to pray about this affliction for a long time. I was discouraged to the point of being sure that God would not help me with atrial fibrillation.  I thought of the verse that I had heard on the Radio,” The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.”  I couldn’t think of a prayer to pray, so the idea that maybe I should recite some good old-fashioned Lutheran liturgy. Ironically, the only one that I could think of was “Create in me a clean heart O Lord”… and I couldn’t remember the rest! So I repeated that short line many times, not even realizing that it was referencing my heart. I was thinking, “Lord, I’ve got nothing, I can’t even pray about this, I don’t want to do this, if you would do something – I would be surprised.”  About that time they did find me and took me to the procedure room. Soon after that I drifted off to sleep while the team went to work on me.

          Seven hours later I began to come to again.  People were unhooking equipment and putting things away and asking me how I was doing. Even though I was still very out of it, I could feel that my heart was in the glorious sinus rhythm that I hadn’t felt for three and half months. I was thankful, but truthfully doubtful that it would last.

Later that day, the doctor who performed the ablation stopped in my room. He said that the ablation went much better than he expected and that he thought it would hold (not the type of report I’m accustomed to).  In my 2006 ablation the doctor found a problem area that he did not want to treat too aggressively. He thought that the area would probably give me problems and within two months I went back into a-fib.

The heart is controlled by a complex electrical system. There are no wires. Instead, the heart tissue itself conducts electrical impulses.  For some reason, the electrical impulses sometimes go wild and cause the heart to quiver instead of beat. If that happens in the upper chambers it is called atrial fibrillation because the upper chambers are called “atria”. That is my issue. It is generally not life threatening, but it does stress the heart and causes unpleasant side effects such as fatigue and discomfort. If the lower chambers called, “ventricles” begin to fibrillate, then that is often fatal because the blood does not go anywhere. The problem area discovered in 2006 was with a large blood vessel called the superior vena cava or SVC. The SVC brings blood to the right side of the heart from the upper part of the body. The SVC does not usually cause rhythm problems. In fact the doctor said that only about 1 in 100 cases involve the SVC.  In 2006 the doctor found the problem area on the SVC, but could not do anything with it because it was adjacent to the phrenic nerve, which controls the diaphragm. He was fairly certain that if he burned the heart tissue, he would damage the phenic nerve and possibly paralyze the diaphragm.  As a result, he left it alone.

I asked the doctor about the phrenic nerve and the heart tissue.  He said that the nerve was not near the problem area this time. When I asked how that could be said he’d consulted with my previous surgeon and the two of them “could not give a reason for it.”  Both doctors are extremely renowned electrophysiologists who do hundreds of cardiac ablation procedures each year, and they were baffled! I thought back to the ancient passage written by King David that was on my mind before the procedure.  Now, I admit to being a science guy. My first reaction is to doubt things, however, let’s look at the passage in Psalms.

 

Psalm 51:10 - 11 Create in me a clean heart O Lord, and Renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me

Restore unto me the joy of your salvation, and grant me your free Spirit.

 

This was a life changing experience for me. The mind, body, spirit connection was all evident, and I sense a renewal in all three of those areas in my life. So, despite having a whopper of a cold, my heart remains in sinus (normal) rhythm. Without a doubt, this was the best Spring break of my life.

"One of those Days" as they say.

Today was one of those days where nothing worked.

A few weeks ago my midwife told me that swimming could help relieve some of my pregnancy swelling. Something about hydro-something pressure, or something. The swelling isn’t as bad as it was with my first pregnancy, but with 2 months to go, I don’t want it to get to that point so I decided today was the day I would get in the pool at the fitness center. Of course, I didn’t have a swimsuit to accommodate my current state so I needed to go to Target.

When I imagine what hell might be like, I am pretty sure it must involve putting hats, mittens, boots and coats on a toddler who is running away from you, when and you are abnormally clumsy and have decreased lung capacity. Then I imagine that you have to trudge through snow and shuffle across icy walkways carrying said toddler (because if you don't she will take off in any direction but the one you prefer), then wrestling her into a car seat with the winter gear intact. All of this with the end goal of trying on swimsuits.

Somehow we made it to the store where I bought a very large swimsuit and had a nice little lunch date (just my toddler and me) in the café. She was thrilled to have what she calls a “special treat” and I was thrilled to not have to worry about making lunch. I still wanted to get to the gym but we both desperately needed a nap at this point, so back home we went.

After a long deep nap I woke up and started frantically packing my gym bag so we could get out the door as soon as she woke up because I knew we had dinner plans this evening. Halfway to the gym I realized I forgot a towel, so I circled back. After work traffic was thickening and I wondered a few times if I should just forget about hydro-therapy-whatever for the day.  But after all of the effort I had invested and after getting my girl psyched about “Kids’ Club” I pressed on. It took me a half hour to get to the gym that is only 4 miles from my house.

I checked the girl into the child care area and went to the packed locker room to get ready. To my relief, I didn’t see anyone else who looked like they were headed toward the pool (yay for privacy while I soak). I made my to the pool entrance only to find a sign stating that the pool was closed for the day. "Are you kidding me?” I wanted to yell! All those people in the locker room, and not one of them mentioned anything about the pool being closed when I was obviously heading that way. “Oh well,” I decided “ I guess I’ll just workout” …except, I didn’t bring shoes… just big wet snow boots.

 So I just took a shower because at least I had a towel. Then we went home. Still swollen, but with washed hair.

I’ll spare you the other details of my ineffective day for your sake. Overall, I’m disappointed that things didn’t go as I planned today, but grateful that we got out of the house twice! Take that Minnesota-winter-snowy-don't feel that good due to pregnancy-Monday!

Nesting and Insomnia

I'm not even sure how long I've been sitting in my living room in the dark trying to get comfortable/ turn off my brain/ get sleepy/ write this sentence. Before that I was in my bed for a few hours attempting the same (except for the writing part). Last night was similar and before that... I can't quite remember. Today is my first day of the 3rd trimester and it seems Insomnia has found me again (a little earlier this time). As Dora would say, "That sneaky fox!"

On my short list of favorable pregnancy symptoms is a new found focus. I had the odd experience of finding a to do list in my coat pocket from a few days past and realizing that I had completed every single item on the list. I don't know if that's ever happened to me before.  I'm making appointments, putting them on the calendar, planning ahead, cleaning the bathroom, staying on top of documentation at work, filing taxes, organizing closets. It's crazy! I've wondered several times if this is how normal people operate most of the time. Maybe these pregnancy hormones are kicking in to help me prepare for this new life and giving me a taste of what it's like to be more organized.

The only part I don't like about it is the feeling that there is always more to do. As soon as I complete one item, I am on to the next and feel a bit panicked that the list keeps getting longer. I feel like I can't sleep because I'm... well I'm itchy, heavy, and can't breathe very well... but also because there's so much to do and my brain won't stop obsessing about the next thing I could be doing. I almost did a workout last night at 2am but I stopped myself because I was realizing that it was time to rest and that I need to work on being content with what I can and can't get done in a day.

I'm tyring to intentionally counteract the turbo-powered-nesting-instinct and just be present in each moment as they come. I'm trying not to be too focused on what's happening in less than 3 months (although I am so, so excited) and not too focused on what I didn't finish yesterday. I just want to be grateful for this moment in which can feel my contacts getting stale, and I can hear the trains rumbling by, the dog's heavy breathing and the clock ticking. This moment in which my womb baby is flipping and my girl baby is probably nestled in one small corner of her crib... blanket kicked off and boppy (aka pacifier) near. This moment in which the heartburn I felt earlier is subsiding and the nausea that seems to always be with me may just be taking a little nap.

And for my next trick, I will be attempting to fall asleep. Again.

p.s. I remembered that I posted about insomnia during my last pregnancy 2 years ago, so I searched back in the archives and lo and behold... I posted in on this EXACT day 2 years ago. Must be something about February 10th and me being awake thinking about being awake!

How to Survive so-called “Morning Sickness”: 9 uncommon tips

If you, like me, think “Morning Sickness” should be called “The 9 Month Flu” you might benefit from reading this post. I’m not promising any cures or remedies. As someone who has tried just about everything to alleviate my nausea and vomiting during pregnancy (special diets, mint, lemons, ginger, Zofran, other drugs, acupuncture, chiropractic adjustments, small frequent meals, liquid chlorophyll, sea bands, protein, bland foods, Unisom, exercise, relaxation, Vitamin B, and many more) I don’t see the need for another post along those lines. These are some mindsets and practical tips that have helped me cope with feeling like a moody, sleep-deprived adolescent with the perpetual flu.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell you to put crackers by your bedside, we’ve all heard that joke too many times!

Disclaimer: I am not an expert; I am just speaking from my experience: one complete pregnancy with severe nausea and vomiting for the entire duration, one miscarriage with moderate nausea and vomiting, and one current pregnancy, 13.5 weeks along with ongoing constant nausea and occasional vomiting.

1.       Keep an empty ice cream bucket in your car. This one was my mom’s idea, and the more I think about it, the more I realize its perfection. Just yesterday a strong wave of nausea hit me while I was driving home from work. I was on the interstate and there was nowhere to pull over. I grabbed the first thing I could find to use as a receptacle; a paper bag. While it was better than nothing, it was not ideal. Yes it leaked out on my pants… yes my husband thought I wet myself… yes I was grateful I was coming home from work and not going to work. An ice cream bucket would have been so much better because you don’t have to hold it open (safer while driving), it doesn’t leak, AND you can put a lid on it. The only problem is we don’t really eat ice cream in this family so we don’t actually have one. I will buy someone ice cream if you give me the container! Anyone?

2.       Learn to interpret nausea as hunger. This is really difficult because it is unnatural to eat when you feel sick. During pregnancy I have not felt hungry. Instead I feel nauseous. Tricky little nausea is always trying to make food seem repulsive, but food is the only thing that calms the storm. There is a point of no return when the nausea is too strong and food will not stay down. Just try not to get to this point… I know it is hard.

3.       Choose the least of evils: During my first pregnancy I got my vomiting under control with drugs but I still felt miserably nauseous. I ate frequently to get my nausea under control and gained too much weight. The drugs gave me headaches and slowed my digestion way down if you know what I mean. During my second pregnancy I threw up too much and ended up losing the baby… though we’re not sure why. So based on what you can tolerate today you must choose: vomiting or drug side effects, nausea or weight gain, healthy foods or pickles and gummy bears, being a semi-functional human or spending the day in the bathroom.

4.       Don’t eat it if you are disgusted by it. I ate chicken the other day because I thought it would be a healthy choice. I turned off the lights because I was grossed out by the sight of it. I didn’t sleep for the first half of the night because I was so ill from it. When will I ever learn to listen to my aversions?

5.       Enjoy the 1-5 minutes after you finish throwing up. This is the best you’ll feel for months. If you can, fall asleep during this time so that you can avoid experiencing the resurgence.

6.       Take Gummy Prenatal Vitamins. Forget about choking down those horse pills. Mary Poppins was right a spoonful of sugar helping the medicine go down. My new gummy vitamins do contain sugar, and they do not have iron so they are easier on the tummy.

7.       Lie to yourself. Despite my track record, it was imperative that I believed I would feel better during the second trimester this time. It gave me hope, it gave me something to count down to. It made me feel better just knowing there was an end date. That date was over a week ago, so now I’m changing my nausea end date. It’s just a little game I play to keep myself sane… if you call this sanity.

8.       Keep your Eyes on the Prize: baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby (it’s all worth it for you babe).

9.       Accept that you feel how you feel. One definition of suffering is pain plus the non-acceptance of that pain. My first pregnancy I felt upset because it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right, it wasn’t what I read about in the books, it wasn’t what my friends described, it lasted much longer, and it felt much worse than I ever expected. Now I am coming to terms with my situation, and it is still hard, but a little tiny bit better. I still have hope that by some miracle, I will have some relief from my nausea before this is all over, but I am doing better at accepting that at this moment, I feel sick and it’s not helpful to protest that fact.

My guess is that if you are reading a post with this title you have had similar or worse experiences than mine, or you know me and are reading out of boredom, empathy, curiosity, obligation, confusion, amusement. If you fit into the former category, how have you coped? Which of these things have been helpful/unhelpful for you? I’d love to know, and I’m sure others will benefit from your wisdom. Comment below!

Music Review from a non-musician: The Jolly Groggers

I grew up listening to music constantly. My older sister would be pounding out Mozart on our upstairs piano while my younger sister was accompanying with an original number from the basement piano. Or my little sister would be practicing clarinet in her bedroom and my older sister was in the living room playing guitar, violin, or harmonica unless she was away at choir practice or voice lessons. Sometimes the constant presence of two musicians resulted in cacophony, sometimes harmony, but always sound. Except for the occasional blast on the trumpet for shock value, I never had the desire to join in, perhaps because the decibel level was already a bit concerning and the ability to "hear ourselves think" was already confounded.

All this to say, I don't have any ability to make music myself- but over the years of listening, I have developed an ear for what sounds good and what does not. I cannot usually pinpoint what it is about a song that I like or dislike, because all the sounds meld together into one unit, like they did in my house growing up. I have never been able to say, the baseline really added something to that song, or the lead guitar part was boring, or the drummer was just being showy.... I just know if the song as a whole sounded good and what that song provoked in me.

The Jolly Groggers, Irish Folk music from NE Minneapolis, recently offered a free CD for anyone who would write a review about their new(ish) album. The promotion is cleverly called "Bloggers for Groggers" and as a completely unbiased fan (wink, wink) I have decided to be the first to participate.

The band first formed a few years ago to provide entertainment at one of the band member's St Patrick's Day parties. A few friends decided to get together and learn some traditional Irish Folk tunes to liven up the party (in case the mysterious green beverages and jello molds weren't enough). Instead of a boring ol' indoor practice with no audience, the band decided to play outside of Britt's pub in preparation for the party. Just like in the movies (or Glee) when people in the streets break out in dance, there was lots of dancing. Except instead of synchronized, choreographed moves, there was a little bit of everything. Of course there were a fair number of people attempting the straight armed, fancy footwork jigs, but there were also people slow dancing, skipping, and performing other moves I can't even describe. Besides making a lot of people dance, they made everyone smile, and they made about $60. Just enough to keep them wanting more.

The magic the Groggers worked on the street crowd was nothing compared to the fun they facilitated at their favorite venue, Charlie's Irish Pub, in Stillwater, MN. The old time songs with a gruff yet playful spin gets the pub patrons clanking their glasses together and cheering for more every time. When the band added Stacy Griffin, and Anna Bakk as dueling fiddlers to the mix there wasn't a still foot in the room. To keep things fresh and exciting, the band members switch instruments amongst each other between nearly every song. Their new album of ten songs, features all six band members as the lead singer for various songs. Not only do they cover the Irish folk favorites for everyone to sing along, they also play original songs by Peter Bodurtha, that are so clever, Irish, and subtle, that everyone thinks they are classics.

As one pub patron aptly put it (at the top of her lungs) after hearing the Jolly Groggers for the first time, "THEY SOUND LIKE %*$#@!* ANGELS!"

For a fun, memorable night out- check out the Jolly Groggers live, or for the extra energy you need to finish cleaning your house, buy their new album (or download songs for free) at http://www.jollygroggers.com/.



fun at 331 Club in Mpls



The Jolly Groggers at Charlies Irish Pu b in Stillwater, MN